Dum spiro, spero.

My panic attack returned. I do not know what is going on? I am numerological “seven”…no, I never believed in such crap but now I am wondering if there is something to it? Numerological seven has the ability to foresee the future for himself/herself. Or if not foresee he can feel it coming.
I feel this way since yesterday.
I am ready for the worse and I know I am going to take very radical steps to defend myself from the pain, which drills my soul, my brain and my heart. I am ready to do something very radical to put the pain away.
Forever.
Am I mentally screwed? Am I neurotic?
I don’t know?
I feel awful. I am ready to do something drastic. If push comes to shove I won’t have any other choice. I know there are people who want to hurt me and they may do all they can to do it. I do not want to go through that fight. There is a lot of gossip about me spread by Andreas whose nasty behavior is hurting me a lot. If this guy is going to keep doing it I won’t have any recourse, for how can I stop all the gossip?
This is Poland and that means it is the place where people thrive on the gossips and are full of hate toward gay people. He can even ruin my plans for my show business come back.
I wrote the above text in the morning. It is late afternoon right now, and I am still in very shaky state of mind. I am still in the state of panic. Should I’ll be looking for serious professional help?
I found a psychiatry page on the web and looked for the definition of neurosis. I am definitely neurotic and more over I am deeply depressed. Neurosis and depression may lead to suicide and the Psychiatric Society, which runs the page, says I have to check to psychiatric hospital right away.

If the panic attack will last I am determine to go and seek professional help.

Reading about the roots of neurosis I did not wonder how they had been established in me and my Sis. I and my twin sister are poster people for neurosis. However my twin sister manages to deal with her problems quite well. I can’t and I am suffering terribly.
If anybody had ever experienced a toothache, which did not want to go away for hours, it won’t describe mental and psychological pain I am in at this moment.
I want to talk to someone but I do not have anybody to talk to. I am afraid, I am scared, I am terrified and I am ready to hurt myself if this won’t go away.
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Written today…

Last night my Sis called and I told her about the state I am in and that I am worrying about myself. She is sweet and good. She is my twin…she knows how it feels to be down and depressed. One big difference between her and me is, she can cope and I can’t. She told me to fight the feeling to get out of the house, to do something, to take my dark thoughts out of my head. I did not do anything but went to bed and watched TV. At midnight my cable provider, for unknown to me reason, cut off the broadcast. I wasn’t able to find out why they did it for Polish cable provider “Aster” dos not keep his customer service people on duty 24h a day. They answer the phones only until 11 pm.
I am so sorry for Poland and its uncivilized ways. I turned my TV off and went to sleep.
For the first time in a long time I had a dream.
It was a weird dream…

I dreamt that I was somewhere in Poland, with Andreas, the guy who was my best friend awhile ago.
I do not remember this dream in every detail but I know I was with Andreas, who looked so beautiful, handsome in my black Stetson. We were in some city in Poland but strangely, the city looked more like Chicago. In detail it looked more like Milwaukee and Damen area or perhaps something mixed together with a typical Philadelphia or Boston inner city mall area. We were looking for a restaurant or for a place to buy big juicy steaks, Andreas supposed to cook for us at home. Andreas decided to go to look for the place and I went to meet the actors who came to Poland from USA to make a movie. How did I find out about the actors I do not know? I think it was Andreas who told me about them, but I am not sure.
I went to the place with my two dogs. I have no idea how I found the green meadow where I found the movie crew people and I asked them where the actors are. They pointed to the end of the meadow. I looked ahead and the meadow was fresh green. I walked toward a large group of people who seat on the grass. They were sitting in the rows like kids in a classroom or people in a theatre. When I got closer with my dogs they pointed out to them and smiled telling me something I could not understand. I looked at the actors and recognized the Dustin Hoffman, Sean Connery, a girl who starred in a sitcom with Michael J. Fox, I saw many of the huge Hollywood stars. When walking along them I stopped and said; “Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the Polish Oscars night!” The actors burst with laughter and started saying something but I wasn’t able to understand their words. I passed them and walked down the green, beautiful meadow with my dogs and…all of the sudden I found myself walking in to a restaurant. I opened the door and I knew I am going to see Andreas sitting and waiting for me. And he was where I though he would be. There were two plates on the table with huge juicy steaks on them. I knew Andreas made them.
He was disappointed a bit because I was late. I tried to tell him about my encounter. When I was doing it the scene in my dream changed and I found myself talking to a female star of the sitcom in which Michael J. Fox was starring as Alex. I forgot the name of it. It was years ago. She told me that she was born in Poland and emigrated to USA and became a child star. When sitcom got scrapped she was jobless and later got a job as a reporter in…Alex Trebek’s show…Now she is in Poland to make the movie, which is produced by Alex Trebek. Weird is not a good word to describe this dream.
The girl even called her sister who lived in Poland and I talked to her. She said hello and that her battery is dead and she hung up on me.
When the girl-star of M.J. Fox sitcom left I met a young, very good looking man who worked as stage manager. We talked about the acting career and how he would like to be an actor and how he work this job to get to know big people and go to Hollywood to become a star. He was very good looking, about 20-22 years old, blond with gorgeous, blue eyes. We talked… and my dream ended.
Weird, but not so bad a dream considering my awful state of mind.
Perhaps my psyche, my sub consciousness wants to get away from the bad reality?
I do not know? I can’t read dreams and do not believe in their prophetic power.
I am still feeling bad. Not as heavy heart tough but still the heaviness is there. In my chest and in my head. Not in my stomach. Perhaps my body got used to the situation? I am feeling exhausted and cold.
I took my medicine and want to go back to bed. Oh, when I walk up I went out to walk my dogs and that was it. My doggies are sleeping now.
They went through so much with me. They saw me dying, they saw me struggling with death, they waited for me at my home neglected by my so called friends, when I was in the hospital sick and dying, and those who promised me to take care of my three babies did almost nothing.
My doggies kept waiting for me and kept loving me. Now, they are with me in Poland. Sadly my beloved Leo died on February 19th, this year. He was eleven years, two months and seven days old. I loved him very much. He was the father of Baby and the husband of Gina.
Gina is almost 13 years old and Baby will be 10 in November.

From left to right: Baby, Gina and Leo in my house in Chicago. They are standing on a cover which I spread for them on a sofa in my living room. I took this picture in the summer or spring of 2004.

This is my beloved Leo in the summer of 2005. Already in Poland.
Oh well, I do not want to stare at him for too long. I loved him so much. He was the man of the house. Although he was the smallest one in his family, he ruled there and did not let his son Baby shine too much.
They used to have their bloody disputes, from time to time, but Leo was always the boss.
I missed him very much.