Dum spiro, spero.

So, I am stuck here waiting for death. It must come. I remember when I was already on The Other Side in 1994 and I was sent back with the message that “when my time comes I would know first.”
Since then I am here and I have no idea why was I sent back?
I rather be dead..

I finally ate something. I fixed myself French fries and two fried eggs with some sausage. I ate half of it and the rest ended up in my dog’s stomachs.
I lost some weight and I am glad. I wish I had no problems so I could just go and look for more opportunities. Well, I do not know if I can since I already have an agent. I am sitting at home waiting for a telephone from the agency. I think it may not ring at all, but in the back of my head I still have some little hope.
Dum spiro, spero.

Last night I have been surfing on the net and I stumbled on a web page with horoscopes. I never believed in horoscopes nor tarot or anything of this sort, however, 32 years ago ( I was 20 years old then) a gypsy woman stopped me in front of the Palace of Culture and Science in Warsaw, when I was walking to the Congress Hall where I had a rehearsal for the upcoming concert, and she told me that I will go over the big water where I will be happy. She wanted to tell me more but I did not have any money, which she demanded from me.
Well, about 20 years later, in America, a drug queen came to me in one of the gay bars and gave me a tarot reading, which clearly showed that within the week I am going to lose my job. Well, I lost my job.
But still, I think that was just a fluke.
None of the horoscopes, ever, said anything, which came true.
And the one I found yesterday on the web page also said some idiotic things about some success, which I am going to enjoy this month and that I will become visible on my job, that I am going to sign very lucrative contract and other crap like that.
I could only laugh at this bullshit. Unless my audition will bare some fruits and I will get a contract…
But I won’t. I know I won’t.
One can ask me why I am saying it and why I am so negative? My whole damned life was negative, that’s why. I have never been happy for longer than few hours. I must admit that my loneliness did not feel bad then, forty something years ago, until I met Marc and found out what love is all about. I craved it during my whole life and with Marc I found out what being loved meant. It did not last but still, I know I have been loved.

I am a Sagittarius. I do not know if I should believe in astrology?
Why should I believe in something, which is based on…I do not even know on what… on nothing, I guess?
On the other hand those who know astrology say that Sagittarians are usually lonely and have a lot of charisma, they also have a lot of potential in art and politics and they like to socialize despite their loneliness, which does not come from the lack of social life. There might be some truth to it.
I am a loner, I have strong ego, I am opinionated (as all Sagittarians supposed to be) I am an artist who was and is interested in politics, I am ready to take a risk if I want to get something. I am bad with money. I can’t save anything, I like to party and be among people. I want to be in the center of action. I want to lead.
And here comes my twin Sister who is not like meat all.

She is a loner, all right, but she has a boyfriend. She never got married, does not have any children, she is not lesbian, does not socialize because sie does not like to do it. She is also very careful, does not trust people and is good with money. She is a leader and a manager and a very good one, but she does not like to be flashy and in the center of the action. She stays on the side, watches and analyzes and acts on reason. I never do.

Well, how than I can believe in something like astrology if I am so different from my Sister and we are of the same sign, born on the same day, same hour, same year. How I can believe in numerology, which tells me that I am number 7, for I am, and I have plenty of digits one in my date of birth, which supposed to suggest that I am going to become some kind of famous a person a leader and a powerful man.
One may say that I was on my way up there and…Marc happened…does it mean I missed the boat?

Sagittarius: Encyclopedia II - Sagittarius - Notable features
The constellation's brighter stars (from left to right on the map: τ, ζ, σ, φ, λ, ε, δ, η and γ2 Sagittarii) form an easily recognizable asterism called the Teapot. The stars δ Sgr (Kaus Media), ε Sgr (Kaus Australis), ζ Sgr (Ascella), and φ Sgr form the body of the pot; λ Sgr (Kaus Borealis) is the point of the lid; γ2 (Alnasl) is the tip of the spout; and σ Sgr (Nunki) and τ Sgr the handle. [1] [2] α Sgr (Rukbat) isn't the brightest star of the constellation, having a magnitude of only 3.96. (It is not shown on the map as it is located b ...
See also:
Sagittarius, Sagittarius - Notable features, Sagittarius - Notable deep-sky objects, Sagittarius - Mythology, Sagittarius - Astrology, Sagittarius - Notable and named stars
Read more here: » Sagittarius: Encyclopedia II - Sagittarius - Notable features

For more dictionary entries, see » Sagittarius Dictionary

So there. All about my sign. Oh well, perhaps not all of it but there is some information about it here.
Should I believe in this?
It’s nice to be seen as a strong sign associated with fire and power. But where is this power and success?
I am desperate. It is obvious that I am looking for something, which may tell me that I still have a chance and my choice to end my life is not the best one.

I am waiting. I do not want to die, of course, so I am waiting to see how things will develop. If my pain won’t go away I will go.

Last night I ordered pizza. I did not have pizza in about two months.
I called Pizza Hut, which they have here in Poland. I ordered hot classic pizza with cheese, pepperoni and jalapenos.
They brought it in about 30 minutes. Well, to tell you the truth it wasn’t our own Chicago made pizza, which is the best. It wasn’t even as good as Domino’s Pizza but as for Polish standards it was OK, I guess. Since I quit smoking and drinking alcohol I have a bit more money and I can afford such treat. My dogs love pizza too. Leo was a pizza lover, my middle dog, who passed away on 19th of February of this year. Leo ate jalapenos and onions like there was no tomorrow. His son Baby likes pizza too but he does not like to eat crust or jalapenos or onions. His mom Gina likes crust and eats it well. Leo ate everything. I missed my little boy, all red 10 lbs of love. My dogs are the miniature dachshunds. I missed Leo very much. I hope when I die I will meet all my dogs, which I had a loved.
I will have a bunch of best friends up there. I hope that, Lord the German Shepard, Puszek the Maltese, Cuma and Negra the Giant Schnauzers, Casper the mutt Husky mixed with something like small Collie, and finally Leo and the rest of them, when their time comes, will play with me on the fields of love and eternity.
To be frank I would like to have all my dogs with me when I die.
Just my dogs if they could talk to me and I could talk to them so we understood each other very well and they could tell me the truth about their life with me and what they think about me.

I know that there is something after we die. I have been there in April of 1994. I did not go there all the way for I was sent back but I now that there is something there. I know there is total calmness, and the feeling of love is everywhere. When I was there I did not want to go back, I was so close to happiness. But they did not want me.
Well, I can’t even say who did not want me.
I do not know who it was who told me to move back in my clod and sleazy body. I hated that moment as one of the creepiest experiences I have ever had.
But there is something after we die. I know it for sure.

I am sitting in front of my computer and I am reading the news, simultaneously listening to the BBC World and the CNN.
As usually the media is riding the story of alleged terrorist attack with liquids, on British and American airplanes.
I can imagine a man with a bottle of milk screaming; I have a bomb in my baby formula.
It is just unimaginable that professional terrorists who, allegedly, were groomed and bread for the cold blooded attacks, did not know years ago that they were able to make a bomb from some liquid ingredients.

To me it is just a huge bull shit invented by the Bush and Blair criminal governments to scare the people of both of the countries and stir anti Arab sentiments, which Israeli government demanded to take away world’s attention from the war crimes perpetrated by Israeli neo-Nazi-army on Lebanese people.

I decided to make my mobile number confidential. I do not want anybody I call to know it. Poland is a scary place where you can be invigilated and even blackmailed and police won’t do a thing to protect you. Especially when you are a foreigner with a Jewish sound name.

So now you must be puzzled asking yourself how I can be so anti Israel and in the same breath talk about anti-Semitism in Poland. Well, I am not an anti-Semite in the first place. I am even suspecting that there were Jews in my family. My paternal grand father had Jewish last name, which I am carrying now. Moreover when I checked the list of Ellis Island arrivals I found the names just as mine, which were the name of a Jewish family who came from then partitioned Poland to the USA in the year of 1906 and 1914.
Am I a Jew? Well, I do not know? To be a Jew I have to come from a Jewish womb. I did not, and I was baptized in Roman-Catholic Church and I grew up as a Roman Catholic in Roman Catholic family. But it means nothing. In Poland one is a Jew if one is not liked by the Polish people or has last name, which sounds Jewish.
My last name sounds Jewish despite my grandfather’s claims that his family came to Poland from Germany and got naturalized in 18th century.

Poland is not a good country for a person who grew up in civilized world. It is a country where the Roman-Catholic Church is the decisive force. Where backwardness is the moral obligation.
Where anti-Semitism is as palpable as Catholicism, and both do go together like a horse and carriage.
My last name is not too good for Polish reality. And Polish reality is not too good for me. I hoped, however, for I was born here, that I will be able to revive my career. I hoped that my friends with whom I begun my career 33 years ago would remember me. I am sure they do, but I am also sure that they do not want to talk to me because I am gay and I lived in America for such a long time and, perhaps, I am a Jew.
This is Poland, which I misread despite my Sister’s warnings when she told me that this place is toxic. She was right. It is toxic.
Now I can’t do anything. I have to stay here because I do not have money to go back to USA. If, but only if, our US Embassy in Warsaw could help me with money I could fly back there. But what for?
I do not have anything or anybody there.
Double whammy.

Thunderstorm is hanging in the air. I am looking toward the massive structure of the Palace of Science and Culture and see grey sky and hear some thunder. I love thunderstorms but here in Poland they are not as good as in Chicago or in America for that matter.

All of the sudden I started thinking about my Sister. We live about 5 miles from each other. We can visit one another and since I hate her idiot boyfriend she could visit me here. She has car and she can drive over here. It is just about 10 minutes drive. She does not do it. She calls me one or two times a day and that is it.
She helps me a lot with money, but this is it. We do not have any other connection. It is sad.
But our lives were divided if not ripped apart by cruelty of our parents. She left our family home very early, where she was about 17 as soon as she graduated from the nursing school and she rarely showed up.
I don’t blame her, we both hated our abusive father and inept mother who never took our side.
So, all these years of being apart took its toll and she can’t get closer to me and I can’t do the same. Well, I hate her boyfriend, dumb alcoholic whom she took in and saved his dumb life.

How bad I am? Well, I am bad. I am mad. I am opinionated and I am possessive and demanding and sometimes rude and aggressive but only when I hate someone. And I hate my mother so I am incredibly aggressive toward this totally an alien woman to me.
My Sister doesn’t like it but I can’t be nice to my mother.
I am not physical and I hate physical violence. I am always nice to other people I meet and a lot of people like me.
Perhaps same amount of people hate me.