Since I moved to Poland, about 18 months ago, I realized that my life here is worth of exposure. Unfortunately Poland is one of the most backward countries in civilized, United Europe, and the people who decide to come here just to visit or stay are here for a big surprised.
On the surface Poland looks like any European country which got out from under the iron fist of deadly USSR, but when one takes a closer look at the country and its people, one soon comes to conclusion that this country is ill.
Knowing Poland’s history will be helpful if one decides to move down here. If I could compare Poland’s economy and the society the only comparison which comes to my mind is Mexico or Colombia or any former banana republics of South America.
I will try to write about Poland and myself in this blog as often as I can.
So far I can tell you that Poland is one horrific place to live if you came from civilized Europe, Canada or USA.
I am thinking what should I put in the blog? I know I want to write about my very personal stuff. I am afraid, however, that the people who know me in Poland may get to the blog and find out about things which I would never divulge to any Polish person .
After 26 years in America I became an American not only by my legal status of US citizen but also by my allegiance and my way of thinking. Those who were born in America still think, I am just another immigrant who came there to make money or better his life.
Nothing farther from truth.
I did not come to America with a plan to stay there. Twenty six years ago, although it was communist, I was leading quite good a life in Poland. Nature or Fate or whoever it was, gave me a talent which not too many people have. I used it to the fullest and became one of the best young stars in the country. When I left to perform in USA I was on my way to become a household name.
It did not happen.
I’ve met Marc.
I have to write this story because you won’t be able to understand my life and my motivations which directed me to make certain decisions which later had a lot of influence on my life and, as a matter of fact, they still do.
My lunch today: French fries…I can’t afford anything else. Here I am, a man who spent 60% of his life in USA and has nothing.
Well, usually life does not look like a post card from The Garden of Eden, but still, I am ashamed of my situation.
As I wrote before, my decision to stay in USA wasn’t dictated by my desire to become rich. It was Marc whom I had met then.
Before that moment I have never met a guy whom I was able to fall in love with and he fell in love with me at the same time.
It was in August of 1980, when I was performing in Chicago. One night he came to the place where we performed. If remember well he came with his uncle who was a friend of one of my musicians. Marc was 21 at the time and looked like 16. Blond hair, blue eyes, slim, long legs and incredible smile.
It was I who broke first ice. After all I was a star and he looked at me like I was some kind of god. The truth is that when I saw him from the stage I thought; oh my god, what an incredible boy. During the intermission he came to my table which stood next to the stage. Sitting at the table was my band and few other people who were fans of ours.
I saw him there sitting quietly, sipping a drink. I asked him where did he come from? He smiled and answered. We talked during each of the intermissions and decided to meet the next day. I knew he liked me. He knew I liked him too. What else did we need?
At that time I did not think about staying in America. I thought Marc will be going back to Poland to finish his medical school. I thought about being close to him, perhaps being in love with him and even about loving him for good. But I’ve never thought about staying in America. After all, I had my brilliant career in Poland. I had promises of stardom .
Next time when he came to our concert he told me about his decision. He wanted to stay in America. I was dumb struck. I did not understand why this guy, a student in medical school, wanted to stay in the country he did not know and had nothing to do with?
His decision was final. In a spare of the moment I declared I am staying too. It was shocking a news to everyone in the band. It was shocking to me too. I knew I am in love with Marc but did I expect such a decision from myself?
Until today I have no idea if at the beginning of our relationship he was in love with me or just infatuated with a great looking guy whom I was at the time.
He had a girlfriend…, I have perceived it as very peculiar. In spite of this I did not want to give up on him. I fought my fight with all the might and arguments I had in my heart, and I won. Marc decided to move in with me. We decided to look for an apartment but we had nothing to fill that apartment with. My contract expired, my band left me when they got another contract and those who signed them in did not need any male singers but only female ones. We were without jobs and without perspective of getting them soon. I knew I could leave for Poland in a couple of months for I had an open r/t ticket. I was dumb. I was very dumb that I did not leave then. Now I see it, now I know what I did to myself. I sold myself, I sold my talent to the shaky stupid heart which kept telling me that this is something I won’t regret.
I really wanted to love him. I wanted to be with him with all the consequences of our love. But why I let myself falling for him that deep?
Dumb!
That was then this is now. Today I know better. I wouldn’t do it again. What would I do is to win Marc, love him for the moment and ask him to go back to Poland with me. If he would not do that I’ d leave never stay with him, go back to Poland not looking back.
Today Marc is living in America ripping all the fruits of his calculated plan which I’ve never had.
I won’t write about our life together. Ten years of our life together is such a long span of time, besides I do not want to dig it back out in to the light Too painful a memory. Today I am living in Warsaw, the city which was mine then and feels like mine today. The city which I could have brought down to my feet and on its knees. Today it might be too late. Today I don’t even know if I have any chance to be recognize by my former friends with whom I performed together?
Today I am paying my price with the death sentence. I lost everything I had. I have nothing today. When I am looking at my city through the window of my apartment and see the massive outline of the Palace of Culture and Science, I know that I am in the right place. But I also know that this time may be a wrong time for me. You can’t step twice into the same river….
So far I am fairly healthy with one exception which bothers me a lot and can’t be removed by the medical science. Unfortunately it is visible on my hands and the most of my body. There is no cure for it and frankly I am tired of going to the doctors and beg them for help. Most of them are dumb. Our American Registered Nurses know much more than any Polish doctor.
I don’t have anything but my SS disability pension which even in Poland is not enough to survive. When I pay for rent and cover all utility bills plus my prescription drugs, almost nothing is left in my pocket.
Very often I have nothing to eat for I do not have money to buy me any food but plain bread. I can’t stop paying for my internet connection because this is the only connection with the civilized world.
I can’t stop taking my medication, because I will die from pain and possible skin infections. I feel doomed.
But I want to fight. I do sing of course. I do sing without getting paid. I do sing in two clubs where they have karaoke, for I can’t afford real background music. I am so good people can’t believe that a man like me who looks like he is 100 years old can sing with such great voice. And I can.
But I am afraid I won’t be able to return to the show business? I can’t afford to pay for my demo record. It costs only stupid 600 dollars, but I don’t have it and won’t have it. My so called friends in USA who do have money care less about me. They avoid the subject of my artistic career and my plans of reviving it. Perhaps they hope I will die soon?
I know, people are only people. In spite of this I do believe in karma. I have helped so many people there in USA and here in Poland that “what’s go around, comes around.” I want to believe in it. Perhaps it will happen? Perhaps someone, some day will come and say, Johan you are absolutely great, I’d like to help you. I’ve heard you have some problems paying for your demo record. Here it is, 600 bucks, and good luck.
Dream on. Buahahahahahahahahahaha!
Poetry has left me. Few years ago I was able to cry all my pains down on a piece of paper. Nowadays I can’t. I feel like something died in me. I feel like I don’t want to bring it back even though I know I could do it.
World became a place in which I feel like an intruder, impostor whose life is not worth of a smile and simple handshake.
When it happened? I can’t even point this moment in my life. Why am I running away from good memories which in the past were able to bring smile to my face and warmed my heart?
All of it turned in to ruins. Did I destroy it or it just collapsed under heavy burden of my life? Yes I hate myself for my looks. I am ravaged by this ugly disease and I know it is not going to go away.
I am so angry at myself I often think about destroying myself. I love life but I hate pain which drills my soul day in and day out. Only sleep gives me some sort of relief, but often bad dreams too. Why live than if all becomes so gloomy and dark in me?
I am not connected by any bond to anybody. Would I like to be? I’d love to be but I can’t anymore. Who is going to love a guy like me? Sick, full of pain and dark thoughts about himself, knowing that the people who walk around him are selfish and indifferent?
I simply do not believe in love anymore. Oh, I did believe in it with all the strength of my heart, but since he drove the stake of betrayal right through my heart I lost the faith. Besides I am dying. Every day brings me closer to the moment when last breath will be only a blink of an eye away. Yes, yes, I know, you always say that everybody is dying from the day of his birth, but not everybody knows that his fate is sealed and confirmed and date of his demise is written in his heart. The fingerprints of Death are all over my body, more than this, are all over my mind.
Sun is shining outside, summer is humming its melody full of smiles inviting the soul to sing with it, in unison of happiness. My soul is crying staring straight in the face of the summer without a smile.
And summer doesn’t look back at my soul. Just like the world who does not look back at those whose pain reminds it of darkness and hopelessness.
What is friendship? What does it mean to say I love you? How much does it affect a person whom love have been declared for?
I never found any answer to this question.
We are human because we are able to love as one wise man used to say.
Is dog human because he is attached to me with such strength he can feel the pain of abandonment when I leave him? Is it love when a dog comes to his master’s grave and guards it trying to be as close to him as possible?
Can human being demonstrate such love? Unconditional, giving his life and his whole being to the one he loves?
My answer is simple.
NO!
He told me he loves me. He, because I do not want to divulge his name.
He said, he loves me because of my inside…it could be an ideal love if he loved me with all I got outside as well. He even tolerates my illness and takes care of me. I love him back, but I love him for whom he is in and outside.
How long will I be bale to love him? He has left last Monday and supposed to be back this passed Wednesday. Today is Saturday and he is not back.
I know, he has got his own life and he thinks he does not have any obligations toward me. But why does he have no obligations toward me?
He said he loves who I am, but not how I look. Isn’t it enough to create some sort of bond which obligates him to tell me what is going on and when is he going to be around?
I don’t know? Perhaps I am too old to see it the way 25 years old guy sees it? Perhaps I have no rights to expect anything? Not only from him but from this life altogether?
I practically don’t have anything to eat. My disability pension run out last week. What’s left in my fridge is one tomato, some margarine, potatoes and some vegetable oil. I will eat this.
For the first time in my life I don’t have enough money to feed myself, go to a theatre or a movie, buy me a pair of shoes or a shirt not mentioning some good cologne or go out to dinner.
I desperately need money. How can’t I make it if I can’t go back to my singing? How can I go back to my singing if I don’t have any money for my demo cover-come-back-record? This has become a vicious circle, and I am running out of time.
